The Corrosive Dream

"The Corrosive Dream"

A manifesto....

Home....

I look for it everywhere...

Every day...

I look for it in people, places things...even houses...

But it's never there...not for me...

I find it while simultaneously losing it...

The tighter I hold on the more it slips away....

Sometimes I see mirages of it but they aren't real...

Just dreams and ghosts....

I haunt myself at night...

My mind flys away to places I can't follow except for when I sleep...

Then everyone comes to agreement and I Dream of that which ive never truly had...

In my dreams im often happy at first but when it's time to wake up somehow my brain knows and the dream changes...

Not into a nightmare but it always turns sad and reflects my own trauma in waking life. ..

Cycling through these dreams over and over...

Day after empty day I search for home...

Im soo stupid and stubborn...

Even my own soul tells me it's time to give up...

Time to fly away....

Back to the only home I've ever really known....

I refuse to give up....

Always searching for whats just behind me...

Why I go on in this life?

I truly don't know...

I just know I will go on...

I will drink the cup of life to its bitter dregs....

Do not worry my friends...

I will not leave now....

Ill always be here watching 0ver you all...

My love is all I have...

It sustains me even when all else has failed...

But still the edges of my heart have grown sharp...

Consequences of so many broken parts...

How my heart even still beats I cannot fathom...

Say the words amd I will come....

My dream is dissolving my reality....

Im becoming undefined and ethereal...

Just like the ghosts that haunt me...

Amd the dreams that taunt me.

Searching through my belongings...

You would think I'd find where I belong there but no there is only more longing there and no being...

Just seeing...

Always thinking of you. Dreaming really...

Can't really remember what we were anymore.  Can't remember who I am. Life is overwhelming and I don't have the fight in me I once did. 

I do have memories with you though, so far away but still there. I can't hear you anymore. I'll never see you again will I?

Years to go yet I think but not many. My spirit is tired and has been since you left. So tired. Each new love could not replace you, each new pain couldn't face you. I have lost everyone I ever loved. I wait here in this place full of ghosts. My mind has begun to unravel. I was doing so much better for awhile but each tragedy has beaten me down. I am wounded and I have become all that I feared to be. Delusional, paranoid, lost, unreasonable....

I can't tell the difference anymore.  My judgment can't be trusted anymore.  I can't take care of myself anymore.  My life slowly dissolves and mostly I care not. Nothing really seems to matter anymore. Riding is all I have left. It's my only joy outside of my roommate who has become a dear friend and has been helping take care of me. I need more professional care though. I feel so guilty that I cannot function anymore.  I can't contribute anymore. I'm just an invalid and I'm learning to accept that its all I am. 

The months slip by so quickly....I barely even notice. Shivas getting older. So am I. Some Grey hairs to match the beautiful salt and pepper you had. 

I miss you so badly. I miss having a purpose.  Life has no meaning anymore. I'm bored of it. ....

Yours in faith....~Ally

Starting to realize that the "nervous laugh" I seem to elicit in people isn't them being uncomfortable with me but quite the opposite....

It's them being charmed by me and blushing.

I just start eating myself when I'm left alone....

How many dreams does it take to get to the center of a life?